Forgiveness?

As a therapist, I have clients who struggle with forgiveness. As we talk about forgiveness, I am reminded that there are many thoughts about what forgiveness is, and that it can be difficult to forgive someone when you don't understand what forgiveness is. I have some thoughts about what forgiveness is, but I want to start with what forgiveness is not, at least in my understanding.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. It is not condoning an action. Forgiveness is not allowing someone to not face responsibility or consequences for their behavior. Forgiving someone does not mean that you are required to accept hurtful behavior. And you are not "off the hook" for hurtful behavior just because someone says you are forgiven.

Forgiveness is not done for the "other", it is done for yourself, is what the experts say. But why is forgiving others beneficial for me? One of my goals as a therapist is to reduce suffering for others. To understand more about what that means, I use the teachings of Buddha whose philosophy was specifically designed to reduce suffering. From a Buddhist perspective, suffering is caused by attachment. What does that mean? When you are suffering, it means you are resisting what is true in the moment. That resistance is because you are attached to something being different than it is. In Buddhism, the ideal of non-attachment is to be fully present in any moment without resisting the experience, even when it is perceived as painful.

In the Bible, the word that translates to forgiveness that Jesus used is aphieml which means "to send away". This is, in essence, the process of non-attachment. If I have an experience that creates suffering for me, my tendency is to hold onto it in an effort to restore justice. And, if a wrong/harm has occurred, there are consequences. But why do we need to continue to hold onto our suffering once the experience has passed? Why can't we "send away" the mental suffering attached to the experience of pain?

If forgiveness and non-attachment are actually similar processes, then it is important to consider the impact that judgement has on the experience of forgiveness. Hang with me here... We constantly have experiences that we then judge as good or bad, right or wrong, pleasant or unpleasant, etc...that is part of our survival tools. We know that touching fire is bad, and it will hurt us. But once danger has passed, once we move our hand away from the fire, why do we continue to create more suffering by judging ourselves for touching the fire? We might call ourselves stupid or clumsy for getting burned by the fire. So we have the pain of the burn, but also the emotional pain of the judgments towards ourselves. If we can drop the judgment, we are forgiving ourselves for our mistake. From this perspective, forgiveness is the "sending away" of judgments. This release of judgments is also a release of attachments to the pain which then reduces suffering.

All this to say, that holding onto judgments creates suffering for you. Of course, we need to use discernment and make choices based on what is right for us. But we do not need to judge others, ourselves, or experiences. Experiences and behaviors always have consequences, positive or negative, but they do not require judgment. If we find ourselves holding onto judgments towards ourselves, our experiences, or other people, then we may want to consider "sending away" those judgments, in other words, forgive.

I hope that deepening our understanding of forgiveness in this way may help it become easier to experience the "sending away" of judgments. This in turn will decrease our experience of suffering. If you find yourself in a situation in which you just can't "forgive" someone (or yourself) then I invite you to find the judgments that you can't "send away". Maybe through awareness of the judgments you will understand why you are stuck in the suffering. And maybe through the awareness, you can choose to untangle the judgments you hold and eventually "send them away" and experience the freedom of forgiveness.

As always, I hope these writings are helpful on your journey. For any women who are interested, we have a couple of more spaces at the "Unveiling the Wild Woman" Retreat September 30-October 2. Message me through the web site and I can give you more information about that. And if you are looking for a counselor/guide to help you transform suffering in your life, I am here to help. Just let me know how I can support.

Blessings

Susan