Shame and Control

I've been thinking a lot about what is going on culturally and what we can learn about ourselves and ways that we give away our power to others. This discussion isn't going to cover all of the complex layers we are experiencing, but what is on my mind is the role of Shame in our culture and how easy it is to give away our power to others when we feel ashamed. This is an issue that I see in myself as well as many clients over the years.

So, what is shame? This is from the Oxford dictionary.

noun

1. a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

verb

1. (of a person, action, or situation) make (someone) feel ashamed. "I tried to shame him into giving some away"

Shame is learned. As children we must learn what behavior is acceptable within our society, but shame is not required. And yet, we are often made to feel ashamed when we make a mistake. Shame seems to be a part of some religions, especially the Judeo-Christian tradition in which I was raised. We are taught to feel ashamed as an effort to control our behavior. This conditioning starts for most of us while we are still babies, so it is lodged deep within our subconscious. Throughout our lives, the use of shame to control us continues through our educational system with low grades and punishments when we did not behave or perform as expected. I experience that we even carry feelings of shame that come from our ancestors. So many ways that shame becomes a part of who we are. And as the verb definition of shame shows, shame as a verb is specifically used to control people.

How many times has someone disrespected you, but you didn't respond because you felt ashamed, even when you didn't do anything wrong. But you questioned yourself and felt you probably did something to deserve the disrespect. That may be the way a parent treated you when they were mad, whether you did anything wrong or not. Even when someone makes a mistake, it is not necessary to shame them, but in our culture shame is often used as a way to correct and control children. This is also the way narcissists control people. The narcissist will shame someone and make them feel less than, so they can keep that person trying to please them, like a shamed child trying to please a parent. It is a powerful force that keeps people in abusive relationships, and even abusive cultures.

I am experiencing the consequences of living in an abusive culture that has used shame to control people for as long as this country has been around. Women, LGBTQ+ and people of color were shamed into experiencing themselves as less than human from the beginning of our country. And that attempt to shame and control is still happening. We must all regain our power and our voices if we are to create a country that works for everyone. We have to stop giving our power away through deep, old feelings of shame. We all make mistakes, but feeling ashamed is not necessary, and at this point in humanity, it is destructive.

This journey to be free of shame, is not an easy one. To truly heal, you must become aware of all the ways you feel ashamed, and why. Many times, you felt ashamed because of your own behaviors and mistakes. You many need to face your dark sides with honesty and compassion. Or you may find shame that someone you love(d) has piled on you and you may need to release the shame and maybe even the relationship. Or find radical forgiveness. However you choose to take this journey, I see it as essential for each of us taking our power back and transforming our lives and our society into a more just and equitable place for all humans. It is time to stop allowing pseudo-religion and politics to shame us into giving away our power. And it is time for us to stop shaming others, whether they are our children or people we do not agree with. Shame, though it is common, cannot create a just and equitable society. Of course, those who want control and power will continue to use shame as a weapon. But, if you clear enough of your personal shame, you will not be as easily manipulated and you won't give your voice and power up as easily.

And know that I am here to help you in your journey. Please reach out if you need support. These are important times for us to stand in our Truth and Power for the good of all.